jane (maybejane) wrote,

nothing in particular

i feel like i'm looking for somebody. i don't know who they are or what they look like, but i am drawn to them just the same... i want to open my window and walk away from everyhthing, but not forever, just until i'm hungry and want to go home. maybe if i spent the night in a ditch some where i wouldn't be confused when i woke up. i dunno, this weekend has been a little too tumultuous for me. i think i had fun; in fact i'm positive i did. but i'm a little scared about toothbrush. our chemistry is stellar, and he laughs at my jokes, and there is a warm, mutual satisfaction that we each experience when we lie in eachother's arms, but it's almost like he has no problems. he is always "fine" and life is always "the uge". maybe garden burger girl is right, and the under levels will be revealed in time. i hope so. i really like him, but i feel needy when i have so much to tell him, and he is never upset or scared in any major way. i don't want to be clingy-- i've always thought of myself as a strong person. i feel misguided right now. so much of my energy is put into school, but i really don't care about it. i know that it is smart to keep trying. it just seems ironic that the things that make me feel really happy, like
excellent music, and the freedom of uninhibited dancing, and the stars, and hot chocolate on breezy nights, and swinging in the park at night, and looking into his eyes and tasting the salt on his skin at the beach, and talking with my closest friends about situations which seem so significant and yet will have relatively no effect on our futures......... well, what i'm trying to say is that the things that make me happy are fleeting moments, thoughts, emotions and glances which have nothing to do with solidity and the future. i wish this were a more comprehensive period of my life, and that i actually gave a shit about school. i guess i do, or i would be failing... so i think that i mean i wish i felt like school was worth something, because i know it's worth something, i just don't feel that way. oh well, i'm sleepy now, and i don't think these ramblings are going anywhere. by the way, don't get the impression that i am sad. i am just a little lonely, and a little self conscious, and a little lost, like everybody else.
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