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Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in jane's LiveJournal:

Monday, November 11th, 2002
10:57 am
sara found her inner self, but i am only half way there
wow. thank you jordan, for reminding me that i had a live journal. the word "live" is interesting, but very true...as if these words are a small ethereal animal, a distorted shadow of ourselves reflecting who we think we are or want to be or what brings us pride or shame. as for an update: i feel alive. obligations and distractions are abundant, but there is sky today. there will probably be sky tomorow, too. the day before yesterday i got in a carcrash. i was not scared of death while it was happening, only shocked. if i thought at all, i thought this: "oh, shit, i can't steer. the divider is concrete.the air-bag is white. the sky is blue. things are happening. quickly. ok..." i have no fabulous analysis of the situation to reveal, no masterful, revitalized life-motto... only gratefulness. for people. for luck, for seatbelts. for the sky. maybe the definition of happiness is different from what we all think... maybe happiness is finding the right balance between "nothing matters" and "everything matters". i think i'm getting closer. i think that yesterday's protest in s.r. mattered. there's something beautiful about the power of 3000 people taking over the streets of any city... and maybe i'm missing the point, but i love the drums. a simulated heartbeat worn on the sleeves of the passionate, beating defiantly in the face of law inforcement, proclaiming a shared wish for peace. i love taking part in such a primal and proud celebration of life, of free speech. no one can tell me that protesting has no effect: just look at the front of the p. d.! i am proud. I am sleepy but contented this weekend, feeling as if certain gaps have begun to close. not just spiritual and political gaps, but emotional ones, too... yesterday was our three month anniversary. a pretty significant figure for me, since i have never reached one month. we had no celebration, only shared experiences and stolen secret silliness, and a type of speech and touch and kiss more knowing and more grateful and more lovely than other days. i feel special, now, after all of this...like i am taking part in something difficult but something beautiful. i can only hope for strength and patience and a continual renewing of my respect for life as we know it.
Monday, October 29th, 2001
5:34 pm
Whew! Read the lower two entries if you wish to know why I am definitely craazy sorry fer the rambling, guys. Back to toothbrush, now (the audience groans.) I LIKE HIM SO MUCH! And I admit that its for immature reasons, such as the way he dances when theres no music, and always has bags under his eyes, and holds his fork. Eef.and his horrible, beautiful posture. and the words he says, and his laugh which somehow, disturbingly, reminds me of my uncle's. ooh.........i don't know! i am experiencing multitudes of frustration, and i can't be sure if it's because i've lost some one who i really care about or if it's because i've lost something that filled some shallow teenage void somehow...... probably a little bit of both. we broke up because we agreed that we weren't spending enough time together... which i campletely agree with. but i know there were other reasons, like the fact that we weren't all that close. it's kind of pathetic when your strongest connection is physical. fun, but kind of pathetic. i feel like he never really popened up to me, no matter how much i told hi,. or like he never had problems. well, other than our relationship, which became a problem. i apologize, by hte way, who have been hearing me comment on this situation nonstop. i don't profess maturity, emotional or otherwise... i'm just another lonely confused kiddo in a world with too many to care about. wish me luck. i'm having a hard time, but not as hard as many. i'm just tryin to scratch a lot of backs, and i appreciate all the scratching i've gotten in return. not to sound to pre-conventional, you kohlberg fans.......... but anyways, i wanted to say thanks, to all those freindly faces and warm hugs. you know who you are. i love you.
5:27 pm
Hullo again. I just came back to finish the long-winded metaphor begun last entry. Please read below if you wish to know the beginning.
I had intended to mention that, although I have turned the tv in my hole off, dont think that the fridge is off limits. Everybody needs his sustenance, you know. However, my eyes are focused elsewhere. Well, primarily on the journeys of those around me across this bumpy territory called life. There are lots of aimless boys and girls, constantly wandering distractedly over hill and plateau, but there are also those who believe with all their hearts that there is a light worth looking for located somewhere in the depths of this vast wasteland. A part of me likes to believe that they are right, and I have spent many an hour toiling over the hills and dales until I eventually meander back to my own hole, which really is not that bad. Part of me simply feels sorry for them, though, because as they blindly search, running madly over the blah landscape, they keep tripping in the holes. Some of them fall down and scrape, say, a knee and an elbow. After pondering their new wounds for a moment, they brush themselves off and recommence their search for search for the nameless. Others, however, are in much more desperate positions. They are the little girls who have fallen so many times onto the cold, hard ground that their hands are now frozen stiff, and their hearts wrapped in layers of dirty gauze and old pieces of string, so tattered and so thick that one wonders if there is even a heart in there at all. But there is a heart, wounded, yes; but thumping angrily inside a crushed chest, behind a quivering voice and the glistening eyes which cast their downward glance with abstract emptiness at each faltering, random step. These are the girls who have fallen deep into a pit and did not feel a thing, did not even hear the crash of their bones upon the floor. They still amble feebly, now on all fours, at the bottom of the catacomb that has become their home, and even cry out, sometimes, as if they could be helped. I am saddest, however, when I look down upon their weak and shattered frames and hear them crying softly, resolutely, as if these tears have some significance in the line of many sorrowful outbursts; as if these tears could be the last. They seem to be muttering to themselves: Why am I so alone? When did I go astray? When did the world become so dark, and so cold? I try to yell, but my throat is blocked, or their ears are frozen off, or something. Either way, my cries are lost echoes in the depths of their chamber or my mind. Who knows, maybe I am delusional, and what I think is the answer is only a path worn by many travels which leads no where, or even some place uglier. But I cant help wondering, every time I peer down at these lost little girls, so wrapped up in their frail shadows upon the ground.
Why not take the elevator located on the west wall two steps left of the tangle weed?
4:26 pm
lost my toothbrush
i know that to many, a toothbrush is a very insignificant object. it should be insignificant to me, as well, i suppose; however, i am at one of those points in life called a rut, where, pathetically, much meaning can be found in an object used for cleaning one's dental unit. ok, my toothbrush was not that exactly, although our respective dental units did, at times, make some contact.no, i'd like to think of my toothr=brush on a deeper level. he was more of a symbol of my sanity, not that i would be insane without him, but that with him things just seemed a little easier. i am at a point where, like many, the world is't being round enough. instead, it's covered in bumps and pits that, one can often trip and fall in. i myself have made a meagre homestead in a medium sized pit with a frigdeand a tv in it, so i've got it pretty good, if i ignore the fact that i'm in a hole. prettty soon i will become so restless that i will grow wings and fly out of my pit into the vast, scary world of adult-ish life (meaning life where many people, called adults, do adult things like work and drink and have sex and be depressed about adult matters), but this will not be for a few more years. instead, i must content myself with my little tv and my fridge. lately though, the tv's been off. ope! gotta go so mom can utilize phone....... will cantinue lame metaphore later.
Monday, October 15th, 2001
10:24 pm
hullo hullo i got a new belt today
i got a new belt today! it is cheesy leather with a silver buckle with raod runner on it. i suppose this makes me happy. i babysat tonite. i almost made the kid cry, because we were sumo wrestling with bean bag chairs and i think i squished him too hard, and then i hurt his foot when i was looking for toe jam. oh well. the pathetic 8 year old needs to learn self defense or he'll never get by. i wonder what it would be like to be 8 again. if i were 8 i would be a pirate. i need to sleep soon, though. i am tired but not sad like many. i like my friends. and when i think about dying, i know people would care. you should know that too, veronica. you don't need me to repeat for the hundredth time which of your stunning qualities make you so talented and lovable and hilarious and beautiful. well, needless to say it has a lot to do with your multi purpose wopality. but i goitta do hw now, or something, and ponder relentless the issues which every other teen is pondering relentlessly, such as who came first, kenny g or g love and special sauce. i'm leaning towards g love, but it could be because i am an astute fan, does anyone think it is wierd to correct a letter that someone gives you with a red pen as if it were a fake assignment and then give it back to them instead of writing a new letter?
thank you for your cervices.
love, jane
3:07 am
sleepless in....... baton rouge, apparently
so yeah. hey, everybody..... although i suppose "whoever" is more accurate. it is late. or early. but the point of the matter is, i will get no more than 3 1/2 hours of sleep tonite, for all those who care. i wish somebody was online to talk to right now.... but you are most likely all resting your sweet heads upon the pillow, dreaming of garden burgering nick nestler, if you're LUCKY LIKE SOME PEOPLE. i am happy tonite, because i finally had a real conversation with my good friend mauve carpet, and she is faring much better today. she apparently hung out with homicide, which made her a very cheery girl. i am incredibly pleased to have talked to her on a more personal level, because for a while there i was fearing something had been lost. thank heavens! i don't think any of us are really lost yet, just dumbfounded; mystified by the twists and turns of the shitty road of life. i dunno about you, but my road could sure as hell use some paving. but you know what they always say: it's better to travel a bumpy road by wagon than to pull a wagon on a bumpy raod. oh, fuck it! can't i just fly? but those are the boots that fit, and they're chartreuse. might as well love 'em. eef! i wanna talk to toothbrush..........
but enough about me. how are you? did you enjoy your meal this evening? i did. fresh tomatoes. bye now.
Sunday, October 14th, 2001
11:32 pm
nothing in particular
i feel like i'm looking for somebody. i don't know who they are or what they look like, but i am drawn to them just the same... i want to open my window and walk away from everyhthing, but not forever, just until i'm hungry and want to go home. maybe if i spent the night in a ditch some where i wouldn't be confused when i woke up. i dunno, this weekend has been a little too tumultuous for me. i think i had fun; in fact i'm positive i did. but i'm a little scared about toothbrush. our chemistry is stellar, and he laughs at my jokes, and there is a warm, mutual satisfaction that we each experience when we lie in eachother's arms, but it's almost like he has no problems. he is always "fine" and life is always "the uge". maybe garden burger girl is right, and the under levels will be revealed in time. i hope so. i really like him, but i feel needy when i have so much to tell him, and he is never upset or scared in any major way. i don't want to be clingy-- i've always thought of myself as a strong person. i feel misguided right now. so much of my energy is put into school, but i really don't care about it. i know that it is smart to keep trying. it just seems ironic that the things that make me feel really happy, like
excellent music, and the freedom of uninhibited dancing, and the stars, and hot chocolate on breezy nights, and swinging in the park at night, and looking into his eyes and tasting the salt on his skin at the beach, and talking with my closest friends about situations which seem so significant and yet will have relatively no effect on our futures......... well, what i'm trying to say is that the things that make me happy are fleeting moments, thoughts, emotions and glances which have nothing to do with solidity and the future. i wish this were a more comprehensive period of my life, and that i actually gave a shit about school. i guess i do, or i would be failing... so i think that i mean i wish i felt like school was worth something, because i know it's worth something, i just don't feel that way. oh well, i'm sleepy now, and i don't think these ramblings are going anywhere. by the way, don't get the impression that i am sad. i am just a little lonely, and a little self conscious, and a little lost, like everybody else.
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